The English Teacher (teacharium anglesius) is a species which has existed for hundreds of years now, and its habitat has expanded to cover much of the globe. It can be compared to the ant, or maybe the fly, in that it is to be found in great numbers and can be more or less irritating to those with whom it comes into contact.

I am one of them.

(Those of you with a keen observational eye will have noticed that the above photo is of a female specimen. This particular specimen is known, as it happens, to the author).

The English teacher in its modern form first surfaced in England (funnily enough) in the middle ages. Its geographical implantation was limited at that time, due to its hosts being of a sedentary nature. Then the host animal discovered “empiricum” or “empires” and so the English teacher began its worldwide emigration process due to the “”historical linguistic” evolutionary rule which states that “A country or group of countries which dominates others via its cultural, economic, military and/or diplomatic force imposes its language mechanically and inevitably”.

This principle has held true from ancient times, and, as future generations shall find out, it shall remain true in the future too, seeing as they will all have to learn the “Chinese-if-we-are-not-careful” language. Poor little things – imagine having to learn Chinese! but such is the pitiless and relentless process of the evolution of earthly species. Hey Darwin, thanks a bunch and I hope you’re happy!!!

Anyway, back to France.

France has been a fertile breeding ground for the English teacher for the last twenty years due to the host body’s previous stubborn refusal to learn other languages, and this for several exquisitely chauvinistic reasons.

The “French” (francelicus) (for that is what they are called) have long-held the romantic and fanciful belief that their language is the most beautiful and sophisticated of all languages, and that any other language should be classified under the heading of “heathen dialect”.

This means that they have not seen fit to learn other languages until now and they still (charmingly innocent, don’t you think?) believe that anyone visiting France should learn perfect french beforehand, if not the French make fun of their accents and insult them. Welcoming tourists is not their strong point.

This system worked well until the world became globalized, and the French suddenly discovered, to their utter disgust and stupor, that the language of perfid Albion and its Yankee sidekicks was beginning to dominate the world, and that no-one gave a damn about French anymore, apart from cultural or dead language studies freaks. They were mortified.

The French used to say things like “French has more words than any other language” and “French is the most difficult language to learn”. How quaint and naive, when you look back on it. They are thus not at all pleased to have to finally admit that English contains, according to most serious estimates, about twice as many words as French, and they are even more horrified to learn that, now that they are having to learn English in order to sell their wine and cheese and weapons abroad, English has at least as many subtleties as Français, and that good English is just as difficult to learn as good Français.

Even today in fact, teachers in this generally anti-Anglo-Saxon (read jealous) country, as well as the education system itself, loathe having to teach English to children. It’s as if they see English as the mortal enemy!! They still teach that the future is “will” and almost nothing else, and that obligation is expressed using “must”. “Going to” and “Have to” seem to be almost too complicated for them to bother with. (Maybe it’s because the French were all viciously attacked and robbed by the word “to” as children, and are now frightened to death of it!!).

All this means that English teachers are polluting all over this once purely Gallic country. The French have a lot of catching up to do and so the English teacher has more than enough food and water and breeding space to survive here.

Yes, the species has found very fertile ground here in France.

So, as an English teacher to French business people and technical/management/sales and marketing personnel, I have discovered more about how this species, the “French”, reacts to having English inflicted upon it.

The biggest problem is getting them to SPEAK!! This is because their education system, Latin and catholic, like French society itself, punishes errors and does not applaud, or even like, success. So most of them begin by saying they are “bloqué” - blocked, meaning that they have a hideous and tenacious complex about making mistakes and looking ridiculous.

So our job, now more akin to that of a psychologist than that of a teacher (yes of course I know they’re linked, but not to THIS extent) means persuading them that no, no-one’s laughing at them, and that yes, they are ALLOWED to make mistakes, and that yes-it’s-true that we find their accent very appealing, just as they like ours when we speak their tongue.

Getting them to accept this takes a lot of time and almost limitless patience, but, with the priceless help of carefully and judiciously prescribed psychotropic drugs, they usually loosen up a little. Some are even able to make progress using just a joint or two, but these subjects are few and far between. I heard once that someone did it after just one bottle of wine, but I personally think that’s just an old wives’ tale.

The next phenomena to overcome is the “Yes, but we French are fundamentally bad at learning foreign languages” paradox. This is more delicate because, although it’s true, we have to persuade them otherwise. (If not, we don’t get paid).

A good way to do this is to ask them the following question – “Are you, a French person, seriously telling me that the French are inherently dumber and intrinsically and irreversibly more moronic and less intelligent than, say, the Germans?” (The German species (germanicus) speaks good English).

This usually makes them jump up to their feet in a fraction of a second and start screaming violently and gesticulating wildly and going on at long length about the Second-World-War and the fact that France is a far superior nation to the uncultured Germanic state and that the french health system is much better and that the Germans are arrogant tourists. All in impeccable french. Perfect. Mission accomplished. They usually never ask the “Yes, but we French....” question again. National pride oblige, Monsieur Madame. (Listen. If it works, use it).

It is also true of course, and for recalcitrant subjects this works a treat, that the French know the grammar of their language better than the English know theirs. A good English teacher instinctively points this fact out.

If you go into the street and ask a French person to give you an example of the “passé composé” they will invariably and correctly identify it as a tense structure in French and do so. However if you walked around London for a month asking English people to define what the “Present perfect” is, you’d get vague answers like
“Having a lot of money?” or “A new concept of time discovered by Hubble?” or “Your English is bad. You mean “What is the perfect present?”, and the perfect present is the latest Madonna album”.

No-one would tell you, however, that the “present perfect” is an English grammatical structure.

This is because at school the French learn the rules of their language first and speak it afterward, whereas the English put less accent on formal grammar and more accent on expression. (Which is the best system? Are you free for a week?)

So, when you tell the French that their knowledge of their own grammar will help them to understand by transcription how english works, they are reassured. Flagrant and gratuitous lying, in the form of saying that their grasp of all things conceptual is far superior to anyone else’s, is, of course, also permitted. They lap it up like mother’s milk. All is fair in love and war, and in teaching English too. (Flattery will get you everywhere).

So let’s recapitulate. Once the French believe that no-one’s making fun of them, and that they are no dumber than the rest, and that their logical psychological make-up is an advantage, things begin to go relatively smoothly.

The last hurdle to overcome is, of course, the “How are you going to teach me vocabulary?” syndrome.

I usually begin to tackle this question by asking them where their USB port is.

-Pardone me?-
-Your USB port. Where is it?-
-But I am Frrrrrench, Monsieur. I don’t ‘AVE a USB porrt.-
-Well (holding up a USB key) that’s a bummer, because there are 95 000 english words in here, along with their french equivalents. I can give you one upload per lesson if you like.-
-But you not can joost poot vords into a ‘uman bean!! Ve are not ze computeres!-

-Exactly, so how can I put these words into you?-
-You not can.-
-Exactly. And do you know what that means, “Monsieur”?-
-Euhh, pliz explanne me, my tichair-
-Yep, you guessed right. It means that you have to LEARN vocabulary! I do not TEACH it! It’s impossible. I can recommend books and vocabulary acquisition methods and give you exercises with relevant vocabulary elements, but at the end of the day you have to LEARN WORDS YOURSELF”-

-Yes. I undarestand. Sank you verry moosh.-
-No problem. (pause). (in a casual and offhand manner) Oh, and incidentally, the same goes for irregular verbs.-
-(Unintelligible groaning and strangled gurgling and sighing and crying noises)-

Then, after all this hullabaloo, they finally begin to get down to learning english.

Phew!! At last!!! It’s worse than teaching kids!!!!

Thank heavens I don’t have to teach them how to play cricket!! (A wonderful game which surpasses their understanding).
___________________________

So that’s it Girls and Boys!!

You have just received an insight into teacharium anglesius as he evolves in his natural habitat. Hope you enjoyed it.

I also hope that it has persuaded you that, be you a bird or a lion, a flea or a giraffe, a cardboard box or, heaven forbid, a bank clerk, you should thank your lucky stars that you were not born one of us.

Our life is so hard and primitive that we have a saying in our species;

“The only fate worse than that of being born a teacharium anglesius would be that of being born a “homo sapiens”

At least we can be grateful to have escaped THAT fate!!

This lecture is over.

You may leave now, but, before you do, and for those of you interested in knowing more about this fascinating creature, further research is available after the author’s signature in the form of two well-filmed nature videos which show aberrant and mutant specimens of the species going about their daily survival routines. This kind of genetically damaged specimen is rare, but it does exist. Maybe you have even seen one yourself?

Ok, see you soon and thanks for being so attentive.

Michael C

(bad photo - me)

Embarrassing huh?

I just hope the call wasn’t important.....

Michael C